To Wean Or Not To Wean? That Is The Question...

I'm struggling with the whole weaning issue with Brooke. Here's what's going on: She's only nursing once a day, which is first thing in the mornings. However, lately it's been hit or miss. Right now she hasn't nursed in 3 mornings and she doesn't act bothered by it or upset by it. In fact, when she wakes up in the mornings, the first thing she asks for now is milk (from her cup). You may be thinking "So? What's her problem then?" Well, the problem is that if she wakes up early (like 6 A.M. or so) then I can get her back to sleep for at least another hour and half by bringing her back to bed with me and latching her on. I hate throwing that heavy artillery down the drain! Besides, I can't think of a more relaxing way to spend my morning than snuggling with and nursing my girl. Ugh, she's just too big:-(

I know that I could cut nursing out 100 percent and it would be no problem because Brooke's taken the lead with weaning. I've really felt strongly about child-led weaning and that's something that I'm really proud that we could do. Just a few months ago she was completely attached to nursing and it amazes me just how quickly she's changed her mind about it. She used to follow me around all day asking to "nass" and screaming and now she comes up to me with a big smile on her face and says "nass" with a little giggle. I'm really choked up now as I reminisce about those countless days and hours we spent on the living room coach breastfeeding and while I know that I don't want to nurse her until she's 7, I wish that I could have those quiet mommy-Brookie moments back.

So I guess my question is when do I say "enough is enough?" I still have milk ( not much, but some) and tomorrow morning if she asks I'm not going to refuse it to her. At what point do I draw the line though? I just don't know! This subject is so hard because it's very emotional for me. I want to do what's best for Brooke and at this point I'm not sure what the best thing is. I wish I had all the answers...

18-Month-Checkup

Miss Brooke had her 18-month doctor visit today. First and foremost, I cannot believe that my little baby is almost a year and a half old. Where in the universe did the time go???? Wow! Anyways, she's 22 pounds and 30.5 inches long. The doctor said that because she's healthy and thriving, he's not worried about her weight. She's just a tiny little thing and that's okay! Everything else checked out good and he was happy with her developmental progress. So, thank God for a healthy baby!

Brooke's fussing got a little bit better yesterday, though we certainly had our moments. Trust me! I will say, though, that we went out to Olive Garden last night and she was the model child. She sat in her highchair happily, ate a TON of dinner (which is a major rarity for her), and didn't so much as fuss the entire meal. People around us complimented us about how well behaved she was and of course we were proud. We've worked VERY hard to teach her to sit in a restaurant and to wait for us to be done eating to get up. So she DOES listen, after all!! Anyways, today has been a great day too. John's off, which helps, but she was happy and goofy while we were out and about running errands. She's sleeping soundly now and I'm hoping that she wakes up in a good mood.

There's nothing else too new or interesting in our camp. It's the same old, same old but all is well. I'm looking forward to enjoy John again tonight, as he's off. We're going to watch the Olympics opening ceremony and I'm so excited!

Trouble In Paradise

I don't want to complain, but I'm having a really rough day today. Brooke has been a disaster since she woke up this morning and she did not stop crying, screaming, and throwing temper tantrums all day. She has been quite the handful for the last couple of days, but today was super bad. She was extremely clingy and if it hadn't have been for my sister-in-law, Sarah, being over, I think I would have lost my mind. I've had a nasty headache and a pretty much inconsolable baby and that is a dangerous combination.

This is an example to show our day on a small scale: Tonight during church, I went to pick Brooke up and she said, "No, no, no, no, no, no!" She also arched her back and made it almost impossible for me to hold her. When I told her not to be mean to mommy she tried to bite me. I removed her from the crowd of people, took her into the church nursery, and spanked her. I then asked her to tell me that she was sorry and she bit me AGAIN. We went through the whole spanking routine again and finally she said sorry. She then continued to hit my mom (a BIG no-no) and repeat "no" to me every time that I tried to hold her or get her attention throughout the course of the night. NOT FUN. My day was FILLED with incidents such as this.

Brooke's eye-teeth are coming in, for which I've been giving her Tylenol regularly. HOWEVER, I refuse to justify her actions by her teeth. While some of it may be because she's in discomfort, I'm doing her a major disservice by passing ALL of her negative behavior off onto her teething. My job as her mommy is to discipline her in order to set a good foundation for her future, not to make excuses for her.

I have to confess that I'm struggling with my perpetually fussy toddler. I've always prided myself on being a patient, loving mom. In fact, I don't feel successful at many things in life, but being Brooke's mom has always been an area that I feel particularly strong in. When she is so mean and grumpy, I feel like it's my fault somehow. I have not been able to settle her down over these last couple of days and that really bothers me. If I, her mommy, can't fix her, then who can? I realize that I'm not doing any good by beating myself up but it's just so easy to do when I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

On the way home from church, John (the softy daddy) gave Brooke a cookie. She finished it and this is how our night ended:



You can't see the chocolate all over her face and legs in this picture, but all I have to say is this picture alone erases my crazy day. For the most part anyways... Lol

Only Two More Weeks...

Until we leave for VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! We have so many fun things planned and it's going to be perfect! I look forward to just being with my family and actually get to sleep with John for an entire week. If only it was always vacation...

Does anyone else ever feel like they're too busy wishing things away? For instance, I'm wishing these next two weeks away to get closer and closer to Florida, but it seems to me like we should be able to enjoy each and every day, without wishing for the next "something." This is something I always struggle with. When I was engaged, I wished away that time away so I could be married. When I was pregnant, I wished the time away so I could meet Brooke. Now that I want to have another baby, I'm wishing this time of trying away so I can just I can be pregnant and enjoy all of the wonderful things that come with that. I wish John's days at work away so we can have his days off. When it's Summer, I wish for Fall. When it's Thanksgiving, I wish for Christmas. You get my drift, I wish too much of my life away. I don't think that's right. I think that every day... boring, slow, exciting, mundane, happy, sad... is worth being enjoyed and given the opportunity for greatness.

I always have to remind myself to slow down and smell roses. The life that I have is a wonderful, amazing life and I don't want to wake up when I'm 75 and wonder why the heck I didn't seize the days that I had. I bet I'll wish that I enjoyed boring days spent at home with nothing to do. I don't know. I'm not trying to get too deep today but I was just thinking that I really should start living for today and not tomorrow.

So TODAY!!! What's wonderful about it? It's beautiful outside, my baby is happy, John made it home from work safely this morning, I have many people to love me, I have a cool house to rescue me from the sweltering heat outside, AND Sarah (MY DAWG) is coming over for a girl's night tonight!!! See? That wasn't so hard:-)

Separation Anxiety?

Brooke never went through the whole separation anxiety faze that so many babies seem to go through. I was relieved because I've seen moms who have not been able to leave their babies without them freaking out. However, over the last couple of days Brooke has been super clingy and attached to me. This is so not like her!

Today I went to church earlier than John and Brooke because I had worship practice and John said that when Brooke woke up she screamed hysterically for me and was very upset that I wasn't there. Poor thing! When they got to church she continued to be super clingy to me and she didn't even want to see her family members, who she ordinarily loves. I went to put her in the church nursery and she cried, which is something she never does. She loves being in there and playing with all of her friends and toys. It's just so odd!

Tonight she woke up at 9 (after going down at 7:45) yelling for me. She never does that type of thing so John and I figured that something was bothering her. After letting her fuss for a few minutes, we decided to pick her up and she lied on my chest and snuggled for like half an hour. She didn't even ask to nurse, which still has me surprised, and she wouldn't even go to John. ONLY to me. Wow!

I must admit that I love that my little girl wants me so very bad. She's always been such a busy, independent, content baby who has liked doing things on her own. Her sudden infatuation with me is kind of nice because she's full of hugs, snuggles, and kisses for me and that just makes me the most happy woman in the universe!

Mourning For A Stranger

I am really shaken up by the death of a police officer in one of our local police forces. You hear about cops being killed often, but when it happens in California, Georgia, Florida, etc... it's easy to pass it off and act like it never happened. However, this officer was killed about 20 minutes from where we live and John knows people who were close to him through law enforcement. We've been inundated with stories about him, newscasts in his honor, and articles in the newspaper. It's kind of hard not to think about it a lot.

The officer who was killed was talking to a car along side the road and a drunk driver ran right into him. Of course this scares me to death because how many times during the night... the week... the month... the year... does John pull someone over and stand on the side of the road? That's what he does. That's a crucial part of his job. It just hits me where it hurts because every night that John goes to work I tell him to be careful. Along with "I love you," those are my final words to him as he walks out the door. The man who was killed was "careful." He wasn't doing anything extremely dangerous (or any more dangerous than what he usually does), yet his life was still taken. John can be as careful as he's supposed to be by taking extra steps to do things right, but he can't prevent a crazed lunatic from killing him on the side of the road.

As I looked at the newspaper and read about his widow, I just pictured myself in that position. I never want to be known as John's widow. I stand by his side with great honor and pride and I completely support what he does and who he is to the community, but I do NOT want my husband to be called to give up his life for law enforcement. Maybe I'm just extremely selfish? What scares me the most is that he would take a bullet for his partner and that he puts all risks aside and goes into some extremely dangerous situations. My husband is one heck of a cop and it puts butterflies in my stomach knowing that he wouldn't be half the cop that he is if he wasn't willing to do those things. I know that we need somebody to "protect and serve" but sometimes I ask God why my husband is the one doing it.

I'm pretty heartbroken over this situation. It seems like Satan is really using this to instill worry and doubt in my mind because I've been waking up panicked in the middle of the night that something has happened to John. I'm dwelling on it so frequently that I feel perpetually anxious about my husband's profession. I know that God has told us to "Cast all of our cares on Him, because He cares for us!" but sometimes I feel like my worries are so insurmountable that I can never get past them. That's where faith comes in, I suppose.

I have to take peace in knowing that God's will can't be moved or shaken and that when he chooses to take someone from this Earth that it's all in His perfect plan and timing. That's a fact that I'm leaning on right now. It helps me realize that whether John's a cop, a postman, a business man, a mechanic, etc... God will take him when it's his time to go.

Our Romantic Getaway

We just got back from out little trip and we couldn't have had a nicer time away. The only thing that could have made it better was having Brooke with us! While I missed Brooke horribly the whole entire time (even in the middle of the night), John and I really reconnected and enjoyed some quality time together.

The hotel was gorgeous and extremely clean and comfortable. We had been there before so we expected that it would be wonderful! We went for lots of nice walks, did a bunch of shopping, ate at great restaurants (The Cheesecake Factory, being one of them!!), and we also went to the Buffalo Bill's training camp for John. There was a great mixture of things that both he and I liked to do so we were well entertained!

Last night at dinner we were sitting in the restaurant and while we were enjoying ourselves and having a great time, but I just had this aching in my heart for Brooke. It amazes me how I can never, ever go back to my life before her, not even for a day if I wanted to. While I'm away from her she still consumes me because I'm endlessly concerned about her well-being and the truth is that she makes life so much more interesting and fun when she's around. I loved being with John but it's safe to say that we're never going to feel complete without our baby by our side.

As for Brooke, apparently she did really well with her grandparents! She spent the afternoon and evening with them yesterday and they did a lot of fun things with her. They put her to bed in her Pack and Play while she was awake and she drifted off to sleep. She woke up a few hours later wondering where she was but my sister-in-law took Brooke in her room and they drifted off to sleep until 9 this morning! Patty had to work today so Sarah took care of Brooke today and did an amazing job! Sarah fixed her breakfast, took her for a walk, gave her lunch, put her down for a 2 hour nap, took her to the park, and then out to dinner. Sign that girl up! Any time we tried to call Brooke over the last few days she didn't even want to talk to us because she was too wrapped up in being busy and happy with her family. That made me happy that she wasn't sad but it also made me feel kind of sad because she's so independent. When we went to pick Brooke up this evening she did't even want us and as soon as I picked her up she asked for her grandma. Would it have killed her to have missed me just a little:-( Lol! It's all good. I know that she loves me and that I'm always gonna be her mama. That's all that matters:-)

Well, I have a BUNCH of work to do around the house because we're hosting a church picnic here tomorrow night. I unpacked when I walked in the door so luckily that's behind me! Thank goodness for that!