Do I Dare Share?

Well, I learned some interesting information this week. At first, I didn't want to share it with people because it's kind of personal, but then I got to thinking about how much this vital information explains about me and my past. There is not a reason in the world for me to be ashamed. So here it goes... I have dyslexia. There I said it. That wasn't so bad!

You would have to understand my history to really get why this "diagnosis" explains so much. For starters, I was never a "good" student. I always had trouble with charts and graphs, I was hyper-sensitive to dractions, to the point of being agitated and frustrated by someone tapping their fingers on their desk, and I had to work very, very hard to even get a "C." I would know material but it was never clearly reflected unless I was writing an essay, which was always my strong point.

I can remember being in high school Boology and really enjoying the material. I studied my butt off and got a a grade in the upper 70's. I was pretty excited! I went to a Christian high school and my teacher wrote on the top of my paper, "Do everything as unto the Lord. Is this effort really unto Him?" I will never forget ripping the test up and telling myself that if I was going to get accused of not trying, even though I studied hard, then what was the point of trying? I pretty much stopped all attempts at studying and had more fun skipping class and goofing off. It was easier to pretend like I didn't care than to acknowledge that I really DID care and it just wasn't clicking.

My "lack of intelligence" has always bothered my inside. I know that I have other gifts and abilities that make me unique but I've often wondered if people take me seriously or think of me like I'm an idiot. In a social situation it kind of makes me feel insecure. I'll want to interject something that I know about but deep down inside I wonder if I really do know what I'm talking about and I'll choose not to share things. Sometimes I wish that I had some way of validating what I know because I really do know things and I'm not stupid!

I've always had this uncanny ability to speak backwards. It sounds weird but when I'm trying to focus, I repeat words backwards. If I can remember how a word sounds backwards I can remember how to spell it forwards. I also read sentences backwards. When I read a road sign, for instance, I will automatically go to the last word because in my wacky brain I don't think that I'll be able to read the whole thing. It's odd. I know.

So, what really lead to this discovery was a couple of things... My math teacher this semester noticed that I have a great understanding of the mathematical process but along the way, I transpose my numbers incorrectly and make silly little errors. She suggested talking to the staff at the college that specializes in learning disablities. The second issue that lead me down this path was my testing abilities thus far this semester. I took a quiz in Biology and I KNEW the material. That wasn't the issue. I studied very hard. However, I got a mere 60% (luckily it wasn't worth much and I had some extra credit points to bring it up quite a bit) and when I reviewed the mistakes, I realized that I had inadvertently chosen answers which I knew to be wrong. It killed me!

I went to talk to the learning disability specialist fully expecting that they would tell me I was fine. I thought these differences for all these years were "normal" and that I just wasn't as smart as my peer counterparts. However, the lady told me that in 30 years of working with people with learning disablities, she has never seen someone with such an interesting and severe case of dyslexia. Thanks, I think? She told me she was fascinated by me because I have come up with such creative strategies to compensate for the unusual ways I take in information. She said the very fact that I graduated from high school and even had the courage to come back to college shows intelligence on my part and she's confident that a few little tweaks could make me an excellent student. AHHH! I wanted to hug her!

You have to understand, I had a principal give me a quarter in his office once. He said, "Do me a favor... Use this quarter to give me a call if you're ever successful. I'll have you know, I never expect to hear from you." I had teacher after teacher wrongfully accuse me of not trying. I'll admit, I was a trouble maker and I probably deserved to be disciplined, but I never deserved to be treated so poorly in regards to academics.

From here out I just have to do things a little differently. I'm given time and a half for all future exams to allow me to process and re-read questions if neccessary. In addition, I'm also allowed to have someone read me an exam and based on my oral answer, they will choose the appropriate response. I'm able to do this from home with John and my school is okay with that. I take my first BIG test using this method tomorrow and I'm so excited! I truly do know my material.

I'm really excited for the days ahead! Knowing that my oddities have a name know is so encouraging and I've decided that when I do graduate, the success will be that much sweeter!

Soooo Much to Report!

I have been crazy busy. Actually, crazy busy probably doesn't adequately describe just how insane and jam-packed my schedule has been as of late. Let me get caught up!

Vacation was wonderful! We spent an amazing week on the beaches of Ocean City, Maryland. We did some shopping, ate lots of seafood (Well, everyone else did... I'm allergic), played in the sand, walked the boardwalk and relaxed. It would have been the perfect vacations if it wasn't for a few factors. For starters, Bailey did NOT sleep well the entire trip and it was frustrating. Luckily we had family that put us back to sleep a couple of mornings (John's mom and sister) and we were able to catch naps from time to time. Once Bailey and I even feel asleep under and umbrella at the beach. It was amazing! Also, I started school on the middle of vacation and the house that we rented had no Wifi so I had to run back and forth the local McDonald's to get assignments and figure out what the heck I was doing. It all ended up working out okay! We came back with awesome tans and we had an incredible time.

Brookie started Kindergarten last Wednesday. I'm not going to lie... It's been tough being away from her. Every time I drop her off I just want to hold her and squeeze her and not let her go but she's always ready to start her day. She loves school so far and she has some really good friends and an amazing teacher. I find myself looking at the clock all day and wondering about what she's doing and if she's happy or tired or having fun.We also started letting her ride the bus home (but we still drop her off in the mornings) because the pick-up time is at 2:30, which is the middle of Bailey's nap and it's just not possible.  She loves to ride the bus and sits with 2 of her friends so that makes me feel better. All this school business is a lot to take in! People tell me it will get easier. I hope they're right!

Adrienne is a new kid while Brooke is at school. It's crazy. From 8 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon she is compliant and happy and eager to please. Then, once Brooke gets off that bus, she is like something out of a horror movie. Lol. She throws herself on the ground when asked to do something, she hits and yells, and is overall very grumpy with Brooke. I'm not really sure why this is but I'm attempting many strategies to make the afternoon hours less stressful.

Bailey has had a rough go of it lately. For starters, on Labor Day we were walking around our neighborhood and all three girls were in the wagon. We stopped to talk to some friends and she stood up. At the same exact time, we started to walk away and she fell straight back and hit her head on the concrete sidewalk. She was obviously upset so we tried to comfort her but then we realized that she was cut and bleeding like crazy. We took her home and tried to determine where the blood was coming from but her curly hair was completely saturated, making it hard to see what was going on. We quickly threw her in the tub to get a look and there was blood dripping everywhere. Not a pretty sight. She then started having a hard time staying awake, which I didn't know if it was because she had a concussion or because she was just so upset. We took her to the ER to be safe and the doctor said that she could have used a staple in her head but because the bleeding had stopped we wouldn't put her through the trauma. And apparently CAT scans carry a high cancer risk with young children so he opted to not do one and wait and see how she progressed throughout the day. Thankfully, she was completely fine! What a scare.

Not to give Bailey 2 paragraphs and my other girls only one... But she's also having substantial issues with her ears lately:-( She has yet another infection and her ears are dripping with blood. Her ENT hasn't been the greatest with the reoccurring infections so I took her to our pediatrician, who we love and trust. He said that her ears are completely colonized with bacteria, to the point where he couldn't even see her eardrum in the one ear. He also thinks that her tubes are about to come out. He referred us to another ENT (who is supposed to be great) and we're getting a second opinion. It just gets frustrating for the poor girl:-(

As for me, I'm plugging away with schoolwork. I'm enjoying my Human Biology course, which is notoriously hard. It is a time consuming course but it's very interesting. My English class has been really easy, which is a blessing. and as for my Trigonometry class, I'm really struggling. The teacher awesome and lenient so my grade isn't suffering but I'm having a hard time staying on top of it. I know it will click one of these days. It's been a lot juggling the girls, John, the house and school but I think I've done pretty well so far and I'm coming up with a great system that doesn't really interfere much with anyone else's life but mine.

So, there you have it. A complete update! Don't count on another one for a while:) Lol

Falling Apart

I have reached my breaking point, as far as my asthma goes. I have been depending on massive amounts of steroids, breathing treatments and constant doctor visits just be able to breathe enough to survive. I want to breathe like a normal human being, without drugs or treatments, but if I'm going to mess with taking all of those things, I want to breathe great... And I'm still not.  After a while, it gets old feeling like an old lady at the ripe age of 26. I should be able to run after the kids and carry them up the stairs without needing an inhaler or feeling like I'm going to pass out from lightheadedness.

This has been going on since the middle of May so I have every right to be fed up. They keep putting me on steroids, which is like putting a Band-Aid on the problem... They cover it up for a few days but don't really fix the problem. To top it off, the steroids aren't good for you and there are some serious consequences to taking them long term. They can lead to osteoporosis, weight gain, liver problems, etc.. And even when I'm on them, I'm horribly hungry and all I want to do is eat. It's to the point that I love taking them because I can breathe but at the same time, I hate taking them because I don't want to gain back all the weight I've worked so hard to lose. It's a lose-lose situation.

To add to  my already horrible asthma, I caught a nasty cough from my kids and that lead to a bout of bronchitis. When I have bronchitis I am extremely sick... I wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air and truly wondering if that next breath is going to come to me. I take a breathing treatment or a puff of an inhaler and I'm always fine but I shouldn't have to get to that point. All of this has left me exhausted and it's hard to feel so groggy all the time when you have a house full of energetic little girls who need you!

So right now I'm on an antibiotic, oral steroid, inhaled steroid,  an emergency inhaler, breathing treatments and another medicine for allergies and I still feel like garbage. To add to this mess, I have a new doctor because mine moved. I love the new doctor but she's still trying to figure me out and she doesn't know me as well, obviously. She's pushing for me to go to a pulmonologist because she's concerned but I'm anxious about that. It's kind of my "last resort" and if they aren't able to make me feel human again then I don't know what I'll do. That may sound weird but that's how I'm feeling.

The biggest worry I have is that Fall is approaching and that is my worst time of year, by far. In the Fall I usually end up in the ER with such severe asthma symptoms, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. They have attempted to hospitalize me before but I'm pretty stubborn and always demand to manage my own care at home. Maybe that's the problem? Lol

I'm hoping that I'm miraculously better by vacation and that I can enjoy my time away without asthma controlling me. I know it could be so much work and that some people could read this and think I'm a big baby, but in my small world, it's a huge deal.

No Judgement, Please

Disclaimer... The purpose of this post is, by no means, to down homeschoolers. In fact, one of my best friends is going to be homeschooling one of her kids this year and I totally respect and support her. As I will explain, it's not homeschooling that I'm opposed to... It's people that think homeschooling is the one and only way to educate their children and that they are superior for doing so.

Lately I have been feeling very judged by many people in the homeschool world. There are quite a few people who have questioned why I would send Brooke to public school and not teach her at home. One lady suggested it and for every single reason I gave her, she was argumentative and simply could not see it from my point of view. That makes absolutely no sense to me because it's my child, after all, and it's not up for her discussion. Just like I don't look down on her for homeschooling her kids, I would appreciate her for giving me the same social courtesies.

I also met another lady this week who treated me the same way. She was talking about how she homeschools and I simply told her that I don't feel as though I have the level of knowledge that a trained educator has. She said, "Well, it's your child. If there was every anything to invest your time in." Oh yes, because I don't homeschool I'm not invested. That's right. She then gave me the whole spiel about how I should be the number one influence in my child's life and not allow the school to "indoctrinate" her. I kept explaining to her that John and I feel comfortable with the school system and like we're doing the best thing for our daughter and she just kept pushing and pushing the issue.

I'm not saying that there aren't great things about homeschooling and that it's not perfect for some families. As for our family, though, we are going to send our kids to public school. In my opinion, if we pull all of our Christian children out of schools for fear of tarnishing them, then what hope is there for the public school? And how will we ever expect our kids to stand up for what they believe if they are never given a time or place to have to give an answer? Our home is such a loving and secure place where we're all obviously like minded and unfortunately, little to no exposure to the world is not setting our children up for the day that they have to venture out on their own. Then, there is the educational aspect of homeschool..  I know that I could never teach them everything they need to know to go out and attend college. I'm not trained in teaching, let alone math, biology, history, English, etc... These teachers go to school for a reason and I want my children to have every opportunity to learn and grow. This is how I feel for MY children but if you feel differently for yours, good for you! My feeling and opinions are rooted out of love for my children, as I'm sure yours are.

I'm just so frustrated by the "holier than thou" attitude that I've encountered recently. I was listening to a Christian radio station a few weeks ago and they were interviewing one of the speakers at a local homeschool conference. The man was so overwhelmingly critical of parents who chose not to buy into his way of thinking and it really made me feel judged. I'm no less of a Christian because homeschooling isn't for me. My parent are some of the most Godly people I've ever met and they sent us all to public school and guess what...We are all living for the Lord and we have all made something of ourselves. The same could be sound for countless other families. Public school is not the enemy.

Like I said, there are several homeschoolers that I love and respect and I know that I can't label everyone who homeschools because of the few that have been rude. I just wish that we could all unify as parents trying to raise Godly, productive children and not become divided by which method happen to choose.

911

Bailey carries around something that we call her "mischief stool." This stool is what enables her to reach things that would otherwise be out of her grasp and it makes our lives crazy. We try to hide it from her to prevent her from getting into things but sometimes we forget and we find her on the kitchen table or pulling things off the counters. The girl is absolutely fearless!

Her favorite forbidden item to get with her mischief chair is our home phone and I could spend the entire day taking it from her and putting it back. If I'm trying to get a meal on the table or something, I sometimes let her play with it because it keeps her happy. John always tells me not to let her play with the phone because he doesn't want her calling 911. While that's a valid concern, I figure that mathematically speaking, the probability of her dialing those numbers in that sequence is slim to none.

Wrong! The other morning I was rushing around to get the girls dressed and ready to go. I had run upstairs for a few minutes to get clothes for everyone and about 15 minutes later, I heard the door knock. I saw one of John's co-workers at the door and instantly my heart started pounding, Thankfully, John was sleeping soundly in his bed so I wasn't worried that they were coming to deliver some horrible news to me. Completely perplexed, I answered the door and the deputy standing there said, "Jillian, is John beating you? We had a 911 call from your house." Of course she knew better and was laughing but at that point, I just felt completely stupid. The department has a policy that they send a car to all 911 calls just to be safe but because they know us, they tried to just call and see if we were but the phone was still busy. They also tried calling John but he was sleeping and didn't hear his cell phone ring. It kind of makes me worry that they wouldn't have rushed right out if there really was an emergency!

I'm still shocked that Bailey actually dialed 911. I know that the other girls didn't do it because they were playing in the toy room nicely and hey don't even know to dial 911 in a real emergency, let alone just for the heck of it. I'm not one to put away things that children shouldn't have... I would rather discipline and teach them not to do something. However, I'm thinking that this phone is going to have to be an exception to that rule for a while. I'm not interested in having the police at my door anytime soon... Unless it's my husband, that is!

How's This For Ironic?

As a baby, Adrienne was the most perfect sleeper. When I brought her home from the hospital I quickly realized that I was mothering a phenomenon, as far as infants go. I could put her on the couch, crib, bassinet, or any other place of my convenience and she would simply put her thumb in her mouth and sleep for hours on end.  Bedtime was no different... When she was just a couple of nights old I put her in her bassinet for the night and was shocked to not hear from her for the next 15 hours. Luckily, we had the Angel Care Monitor that would have alarmed me if she had stopped breathing, otherwise, that would have been freaky.  I called everyone we knew the next morning and most people attributed it to a fluke but it quickly proved not to be. With the exception of the few sicknesses she had as a baby, she never looked back and I was maybe up with her in the middle of night 3 times within her first year of life. Pretty amazing!

Over the past couple of months we have hit a rough spot with Adrienne's sleep. For starters, she has made nap time a horrible hour of fighting and mischief. Much to my dismay, she has outgrown the need to sleep and instead of staying in her bed like she's supposed to, she gets out of her bed and destroys her room, pulling clothes out of drawers and messing with anything she can get her hands on. She also picks fights with Brooke and I usually end up in their room a countless number of times throughout nap time. It used to be the most quiet and relaxing hour of the day! I've tried just about everything and have yet to find a solution. I'm hoping that once Brooke starts school that it won't be as much of issue. If not, I just may go crazy!

Then, there's bedtime... Heaven forbid the child gets even 2 seconds of shut eye throughout the day. In that case, we have hours of protest in her room. She will come in and out, regardless of punishment and disapproval from John and me. When she's really tired (which is most nights, lately), she will go straight to bed.. After first demanding a long list of requirements, such as water with ice, her music on the perfect volume, a special baby, her fan on, etc.. She really makes it tough. That's not even where it stops, though. She has been coming into my room in the middle of the night and screaming at me in my sleep for the past week or so. It's usually something like, "I want a water!" I'll tell her that there is water right next to her and she'll continue screaming, "I want you to get it for me." Then, there's the classic, " I'm scared." Or, " I want you." It's just getting old and frustrating. I'm totally about being there for my kids and but this is getting ridiculous. The way she literally screams at me when I'm in a dead sleep alarms me and of course my adrenaline gets pumping and I'm wired and then I can't fall back asleep. Its amazing to think that because of one little 27 pounds 3-year-old, I'm waking up every morning exhausted.

I'm sure hoping that this is a phase. I know that she's in good health and there are no ear infections or anything to blame because she just went to the doctor. I'm not sure what her problem is or what I can do to fix this or at least make it somewhat better. I do know that that perfect little laid baby that I once had is now a very strong willed creature these days. I would trade her for anything or anyone on the planet and she makes me laugh constantly. Her personality is hilarious and goofy and I can't imagine my life without her. So I guess that during this challenging stage in her life I'll choose to focus on all of the wonderful things that make her uniquely Adrienne instead of focusing on the exhaustion and frustration from getting no sleep.

A Lot to Prove

I went to the college today to hand in some final paperwork and to get my books. Despite dropping a wad of cash on the books, I left the school feeling overwhelmed with excitement. I have practically been counting down the seconds until school starts because I'm just that eager to start and this put me one step closer!

I wanted to share my excitement so I posted on Facebook that I had gotten my books and that I couldn't wait to start school. Now, I'm not one to get into silly Facebook spats because, first of all, I live in a house with three little girls and that is more than enough drama for me and second, I understand that people can come across differently in that type of forum. However, someone posted, "You must be sick! What happened to the Jillian that hated school 8 years ago?" I know that this person probably wanted to say something funny or clever and that the intent of the common wasn't destructive. It just kind of stung because for my entire life I have felt... stupid.

There are reasons for this... I have an older brother and sister (who I adore, by the way) who always made amazing grades with their eyes shut. To give a comparison, my brother has a master's degree in engineering and my sister has a bachelor's in nursing.  I was the type of student who would study for 2 hours and be thrilled with a C when they wouldn't crack a book and get A's. When we lived in Texas there were advanced placement classes called "Gifted and Talented" classes and I was the only one out of the three of us who didn't get an invitation into the program. I once had a teacher ask me, "Why can't you be more like your brother and sister?" I also had another incident where I truly studied my heart out and got an 80 on a biology test and my teacher said, "Did you get a boyfriend or something because your grades are slipping?" Comments like that made me not want to try and not care about being intelligent. To compensate, I found myself as the class clown and a social butterfly and pretty much decided that school was a waste of time and energy. And for me, it turned out that skipping class and pulling pranks was way more fun than studying anyways.

For as long as I can remember, I never wanted to go to college. When I graduated from high school I just wanted to marry John (who I had been dating since the middle of my senior year) and have a family. I went to college partly to appease my parents but mostly because I needed to be full time to have their medical benefits. With a severe case of asthma I couldn't be without them. I goofed off for  2 semesters and never went to class because it wasn't what I wanted in that time of my life. Thankfully, John and I were engaged so once we got married I could have his benefits and quit school. He was always happy to support me in whatever decision I made and I loved that about him... And still do:-)

Now that this is what I want with all of my heart, I feel know that I will do whatever it takes to get there. I may not be the most "book smart" person on the planet but it's possible that I'm far more determined than most people realize. And I also tend to believe that intelligence and success is not based solely on a person's ability to score high on a test or write a perfect paper. I have other gifts and abilities that simply aren't reflected in academics.

I have no regrets. I'm so happy that John and I married and had babies super young. In response to my plans of going to school, somebody recently told me, "Hindsight is 20/20. I bet you wish you had seen this desire before you had the kids." That statement isn't accurate for me, though. I would have never been content waiting the 2 years of getting my schooling out of the way and then possibly working before starting a family. My life's ambition and drive was... and still is... to be a mother. And even though I'm furthering my education, it's still all for my family and it will be done with ME being the one to sacrifice, not them.

I know that I really don't have to prove myself to people but I feel as though I do. I didn't try very hard in my previous attempts at education so I suppose people are entitled to think that I won't succeed and that this is weird ambition for me to have. With that being said, though, I intend on working my butt off to show everyone that I can do anything I set my mind to!