Do I Dare Share?

Well, I learned some interesting information this week. At first, I didn't want to share it with people because it's kind of personal, but then I got to thinking about how much this vital information explains about me and my past. There is not a reason in the world for me to be ashamed. So here it goes... I have dyslexia. There I said it. That wasn't so bad!

You would have to understand my history to really get why this "diagnosis" explains so much. For starters, I was never a "good" student. I always had trouble with charts and graphs, I was hyper-sensitive to dractions, to the point of being agitated and frustrated by someone tapping their fingers on their desk, and I had to work very, very hard to even get a "C." I would know material but it was never clearly reflected unless I was writing an essay, which was always my strong point.

I can remember being in high school Boology and really enjoying the material. I studied my butt off and got a a grade in the upper 70's. I was pretty excited! I went to a Christian high school and my teacher wrote on the top of my paper, "Do everything as unto the Lord. Is this effort really unto Him?" I will never forget ripping the test up and telling myself that if I was going to get accused of not trying, even though I studied hard, then what was the point of trying? I pretty much stopped all attempts at studying and had more fun skipping class and goofing off. It was easier to pretend like I didn't care than to acknowledge that I really DID care and it just wasn't clicking.

My "lack of intelligence" has always bothered my inside. I know that I have other gifts and abilities that make me unique but I've often wondered if people take me seriously or think of me like I'm an idiot. In a social situation it kind of makes me feel insecure. I'll want to interject something that I know about but deep down inside I wonder if I really do know what I'm talking about and I'll choose not to share things. Sometimes I wish that I had some way of validating what I know because I really do know things and I'm not stupid!

I've always had this uncanny ability to speak backwards. It sounds weird but when I'm trying to focus, I repeat words backwards. If I can remember how a word sounds backwards I can remember how to spell it forwards. I also read sentences backwards. When I read a road sign, for instance, I will automatically go to the last word because in my wacky brain I don't think that I'll be able to read the whole thing. It's odd. I know.

So, what really lead to this discovery was a couple of things... My math teacher this semester noticed that I have a great understanding of the mathematical process but along the way, I transpose my numbers incorrectly and make silly little errors. She suggested talking to the staff at the college that specializes in learning disablities. The second issue that lead me down this path was my testing abilities thus far this semester. I took a quiz in Biology and I KNEW the material. That wasn't the issue. I studied very hard. However, I got a mere 60% (luckily it wasn't worth much and I had some extra credit points to bring it up quite a bit) and when I reviewed the mistakes, I realized that I had inadvertently chosen answers which I knew to be wrong. It killed me!

I went to talk to the learning disability specialist fully expecting that they would tell me I was fine. I thought these differences for all these years were "normal" and that I just wasn't as smart as my peer counterparts. However, the lady told me that in 30 years of working with people with learning disablities, she has never seen someone with such an interesting and severe case of dyslexia. Thanks, I think? She told me she was fascinated by me because I have come up with such creative strategies to compensate for the unusual ways I take in information. She said the very fact that I graduated from high school and even had the courage to come back to college shows intelligence on my part and she's confident that a few little tweaks could make me an excellent student. AHHH! I wanted to hug her!

You have to understand, I had a principal give me a quarter in his office once. He said, "Do me a favor... Use this quarter to give me a call if you're ever successful. I'll have you know, I never expect to hear from you." I had teacher after teacher wrongfully accuse me of not trying. I'll admit, I was a trouble maker and I probably deserved to be disciplined, but I never deserved to be treated so poorly in regards to academics.

From here out I just have to do things a little differently. I'm given time and a half for all future exams to allow me to process and re-read questions if neccessary. In addition, I'm also allowed to have someone read me an exam and based on my oral answer, they will choose the appropriate response. I'm able to do this from home with John and my school is okay with that. I take my first BIG test using this method tomorrow and I'm so excited! I truly do know my material.

I'm really excited for the days ahead! Knowing that my oddities have a name know is so encouraging and I've decided that when I do graduate, the success will be that much sweeter!