Falling Apart

I have reached my breaking point, as far as my asthma goes. I have been depending on massive amounts of steroids, breathing treatments and constant doctor visits just be able to breathe enough to survive. I want to breathe like a normal human being, without drugs or treatments, but if I'm going to mess with taking all of those things, I want to breathe great... And I'm still not.  After a while, it gets old feeling like an old lady at the ripe age of 26. I should be able to run after the kids and carry them up the stairs without needing an inhaler or feeling like I'm going to pass out from lightheadedness.

This has been going on since the middle of May so I have every right to be fed up. They keep putting me on steroids, which is like putting a Band-Aid on the problem... They cover it up for a few days but don't really fix the problem. To top it off, the steroids aren't good for you and there are some serious consequences to taking them long term. They can lead to osteoporosis, weight gain, liver problems, etc.. And even when I'm on them, I'm horribly hungry and all I want to do is eat. It's to the point that I love taking them because I can breathe but at the same time, I hate taking them because I don't want to gain back all the weight I've worked so hard to lose. It's a lose-lose situation.

To add to  my already horrible asthma, I caught a nasty cough from my kids and that lead to a bout of bronchitis. When I have bronchitis I am extremely sick... I wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air and truly wondering if that next breath is going to come to me. I take a breathing treatment or a puff of an inhaler and I'm always fine but I shouldn't have to get to that point. All of this has left me exhausted and it's hard to feel so groggy all the time when you have a house full of energetic little girls who need you!

So right now I'm on an antibiotic, oral steroid, inhaled steroid,  an emergency inhaler, breathing treatments and another medicine for allergies and I still feel like garbage. To add to this mess, I have a new doctor because mine moved. I love the new doctor but she's still trying to figure me out and she doesn't know me as well, obviously. She's pushing for me to go to a pulmonologist because she's concerned but I'm anxious about that. It's kind of my "last resort" and if they aren't able to make me feel human again then I don't know what I'll do. That may sound weird but that's how I'm feeling.

The biggest worry I have is that Fall is approaching and that is my worst time of year, by far. In the Fall I usually end up in the ER with such severe asthma symptoms, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. They have attempted to hospitalize me before but I'm pretty stubborn and always demand to manage my own care at home. Maybe that's the problem? Lol

I'm hoping that I'm miraculously better by vacation and that I can enjoy my time away without asthma controlling me. I know it could be so much work and that some people could read this and think I'm a big baby, but in my small world, it's a huge deal.