I feel so guilty because whenever I think about this baby, all I think about is how much I'm dreading the delivery. I'm excited to be a mommy again, I'm thrilled to add to our family, and I'm ecstatic when I think of a new person that I will get to discover. I just can't seem to get past that C-Section...
I've been down this road before, I know. My first C-Section was an emergency type situation so I didn't have time to process the "what ifs" or the magnitude of what I was about to go through. Then, when I made the decision to opt for a repeat C-Section with Adrienne (for safety reasons, combined with my doctor advising me that I was not a good candidate for a successful VBAC) it hit me hard. The main reason that that C-Section bothered me was because I felt like I was giving up that part of my womanhood and that I wouldn't be able to experience birthing babies naturally. I was afraid of the surgery, but my main feeling was guilt that I couldn't birth babies. Silly, I know. I realize that now. I dealt with those feelings and then, her birth was horrible. Being coherent and so aware of what was going on made the actual procedure ridiculously horrible for me (high blood pressure from freaking out, constant vomiting, you name it...). Then, to top it off, she was sick and in the NICU for the first 24 hours of her life so I couldn't even see her.
So, that leads me to now. I'm in a better place than I was after birthing Brooke... I realize that I am not any less of a mother or woman because I can't naturally deliver my babies. Would I LOVE that experience and prefer it? Absolutely! But it's not a statement of my character. However, I just want to look forward to the day I meet my baby and not dread the whole delivery and recovery experience as much as I already am. I think that my experience being so scary last time is lending to these fears and I just need to focus on what's important... And that's a healthy mom and a healthy baby!
We'll be scheduling our C-Section at our next appointment so I'll definitely have plenty of time to prepare for the date and time. I think that may scare me even more! I know that I'm being irrational and worrying about it now is only going to make the actual day that much worse. As my parents always told me growing up, "Think happy thoughts!" I'm sure trying.. But this C-Section is kind of a big deal!