Birth Envy

I've always said that having a natural, med-free delivery is something that you have to want with all of your heart. It's incredibly challenging and if you don't want to go and get it, forget about it. Well, with Brooke, I wanted it. I wanted it so very bad and I tried extremely hard. Long story short, I labored for about 15 hours and pushed for three hours without any medication whatsoever, only to result in a C-Section delivery. She had aspirated meconium so she was taken from me in the OR to be suctioned out and all and it was about 30 minutes or so before I met her.

Then, Adrienne came along. I reluctantly opted for the a repeat C-Section just because my doctor didn't think I was a good candidate for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) and truthfully, I didn't think I could handle another "failure" if I tried again. During the months leading up to her delivery I really prayed about my emotions and fears regarding the impending C-Section and dealt with a lot of my issues with it. I finally got over being jealous of others who just popped babies out and realized that so many women out there were probably jealous of MY ability to simply have babies. When Adrienne came out she was sick and they quickly whisked her away to the special care nursery, where I wouldn't get to meet her until about 8 hours later. The first time I held her was when she was hooked up to wires and IV's and monitors and I didn't even get to nurse her on the day of her birth.

I finally got over having to have C-Section and not having my babies get put on my chest directly after their births, like they would be in a natural delivery, and after time, I got over not even getting to meet my baby after her entrance into the world. When it was time for Bailey to be born everyone assured me that it would be "the birth I always wanted" and so many said that "nothing would go wrong." However, she came out even sicker than Adrienne had been and she was shipped off to another hospital. Just knowing that I really didn't even meet my baby until she was over 48 hours old still breaks my heart. In fact, there's a song that says, "On the day of your first breath, a brand new life on your mama's chest" and I can't even listen to it because I never had Bailey's precious body on my chest on the day of her birth- Or Adrienne's, for that matter.

I'm honestly over the simple truth that I had three deliveries and all of them weren't what I wanted. I know that my struggles don't compare to those of women who can't get pregnant or those that deliver babies who aren't even alive. I try to focus on just how healthy and amazing my girls are, despite their less-than-wonderful debuts, but every so often it hits me. In fact, what prompted me to spill all of these thoughts is that somebody on Facebook just posted pictures of their baby on their chest right after birth. That just gets me every time because I wanted that so bad. It's not that I don't want it for others but it's that I want it too.

I'm not sure if the fact that I'm not having anymore babies makes it better or worse. Part of me feels worse because I know that there really won't ever be a "better birth." I think that I'm mostly relieved though because I can't imagine going through all of those experiences again. It's probably best to stop while I'm ahead with my three precious girls! I definitely need to count my blessing instead of focusing on these things that don't matter.