Desires of My Heart

There's this wonderful verse in the Bible that says that God gives us the "hidden desires of our hearts." Now, I'm no theologian, but I don't think that that means that he's some cosmic genie who grants us our every wish or dream. Instead, I think that it means that when we're walking with Him, our desires become HIS desires and the things that our on our hearts are from Him.

With that being said, I just cannot shake the desire to go back to school to get my nursing degree. This has been on my heart since Adrienne was a baby but I've kept passing it off as some silly little dream of mine. It all stems from my love of people, specifically new mothers, and my passion for breastfeeding and teaching other women what I've learned. I'm so drawn to women in that stage of their lives and I so desire to love them and affirm them the way that need to be. My long term dream would be to work as a labor and delivery nurse and maybe even become lactation consultant one day far down the road.

I really feel like my place is in the home now and that the girls need to be my number one responsibility. Because of that, I definitely don't see myself going to school full time or anything while the girls are still home all day. I would ideally like to get my prerequisites out of the way online or perhaps start taking one evening class a semester while John stays home with the girls. Then, when Bailey goes to kindergarten I can think about doing the hardcore nursing classes.

John keeps encouraging me to go to the local community college to talk to them about the best course to take for this dream of mine but I keep doubting myself. I was NEVER a student. In fact, I was the student who had to try hard for B's and C's and I had a very hard time concentrating and staying focused in class. Also, I think of the expense that this will bring upon us and with our conviction to not go into debt, this would mean that we would have to save up before this could even take place. Then I wonder if this isn't really a desire from God but instead, a selfish desire for me to fulfill my own dreams and not His.

All I know is that my children are going to grow- Quicker than I can possibly even fathom right now. While waiting tables and serving in the lunch line at school are all fine and dandy, I'll never be qualified to do anything more than that if I don't go out on this very far limb. If I follow through with this, I could potentially work part time and as the girls need me less and less I could work more.

Maybe this post sounds like an impossible plan or maybe you're reading this thinking I'm nuts? Who knows. I just want to do the very best thing for not only my future by for that of my family. As of now, I'm prayerfully considering what God would have me to do and I'm thankful that it is He who leads and guides me and that I don't have to merely speculate about what's best here!