Thursday, May 6, 2010

Reoccuring Emotions

One of the things in my life that I can't seem to stop mulling over is the fact that I couldn't deliver my babies vaginally. I know you might be thinking that I'm super ungrateful or irrational because I have two beautiful daughters despite my "inability" but really, it's something that eats at the heart of me if I let it.

Just a little background information for those of you who might not know the circumstances... I labored for 15+ hours with Brooke (with absolutely NO pain medication) and pushed for almost 3 hours, only to ultimately have a C-Section. She was stuck and when they finally pulled her out she was bruised and had a crazy cone head. When it came time to deliver Adrienne the doctor strongly advised that I had a repeat C-Section to ensure our safety. For months I was very unsettled about that fact and I wanted to try a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but John and I finally decided that the doctor knew best and we complied with his guidance. It was a very difficult decision and it didn't help that Adrienne's delivery was completely awful and it resulted in her being in the special care nursery for the first 24 hours of her life. I will NEVER forget the helplessness I felt as I laid numb in a hospital bed unable to get to her.

Even though I'm thrilled with my family and realize that the way my children came into the world isn't what's important, a part of me still aches. I will never know what it feels like to birth a baby (the normal way) and have him or her placed directly on my chest, blood and all. I will never experience the beauty of a natural birth with no medical interventions. Our next baby will inevitably be born into a sterile operating room. I don't know why but it just kills me.

The other day I was reading my Parents' magazine and they had a write up on saying how a 3rd C-Section is more risky than they once thought and moms should opt for VBAC's with their 2Nd child if at all possible (because once you've had 2 C-Sections there's no going back). Yeah, that stuck a dagger in my heart. And then just tonight (which ultimately inspired this post) I came across a C-Section awareness board and of course all of the women on there seem to bash people like me that didn't try for a VBAC. I feel like they were hating on people like me. I'm all about natural birth and even though I labored naturally with Brooke for hours on end I can never, ever say that I "went naturally." I'm not sure why but this really, really bothers me inside. Maybe it's my pride?

These feelings also creep up very strongly whenever somebody I know gives birth naturally. Please don't mistake me for saying that I WANT people to have C-Sections or that I wish this on others. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Hearing about other women having the delivery of MY dreams just makes me feel a little bit envious inside. For instance, I was watching this show called Teen Mom and even the majority of the TEEN moms were able to have vaginal deliveries. I just don't get it! Again, that shouldn't bother me but it just does.

I've said this so many times but my children are no less mine or any less special because they were born via C-Sections. This is the important truth of the matter that I need to remember! Seriously, I don't think about this all very often but when I do, I tend to really let it get to me. Life is too short to focus on silly things like this... So why can't I stop!??!?!???!


Simply Complicated said...

I hear ya I hear ya. I had preclampsia and was induced with Allie and labored for 27 hours which ended with a c-section :-( Not at all the water-birth I had "planned" after an uncomplicated pregnancy! I struggle with what I'll do with #2... there is definite risk with a VBAC and my husband doesn't even consider it an option. He's adamant we'll do a c-section... I'd consider a vbac for all the reasons you just said. But you know what you're right - ultimate health of mom and baby are what's most important.

*~tRiStYn MiChElLe~* said...

I know you struggle with this often and I can only say that I guess the important thing is not how your babies got here but that they arrived healthy. Try not to dwell on it bc it will eat you up. I think we all have some things we are evious of :0)