Here and Now

There is a lot of buzz over babies and pregnancy amongst the women in our church right now. There are a couple of women who are pregnant and even though I know that now is not a good time for another baby, a small part of me aches to be in their shoes. I really can't describe the feeling. It's not jealousy because I am so happy for them but it's more of a mourning for my two pregnancies that so quickly flew by.

I have known that I want another baby since Adrienne was born (despite the terrible birth experience and all). I didn't realize how strong that desire was until recently. I have no clue what our timetable is and our future plans are far from decided on but it's still fun to dream about.

My doctor has encouraged me to not have any more than 3 babies because I have to have C-sections and the more and more you have, the risk goes up. With that being said, the next baby we have will be our last. That fact really, really, really makes me sad. How could it be that these wonderful childbearing years will come to an end with in the foreseeable future? I wish that I had savored my pregnancies more and not wished one second of them away.

This aching that I feel over others having babies is bearable to me now because I know that, most likely, I will experience pregnancy again. However, I have to wonder how much more painful it will feel after our last baby is born. Does this feeling ever go away or is it so ingrained in me to be a mother and have babies that I will always feel the urge for more?

My prayer is that I will learn to be content with the here and now.. Not wanting what I once had and not wanting what is yet to come. For me, it's hard to live in today, even though it's a wonderful time in my life. I know that one day I will look back on these times and wish so badly that I had savored them. I do NOT want to miss out!