True Confessions of Motherhood

I have some thoughts that I would like to get out of me so bare with me. I feel it necessary to preface this entire post with this... I love being a stay-at-home-mom and I enjoy caring for my daughter. In fact, I love my baby so much that even if I HATED being home, I would still stay chose to "only" be a homemaker because I feel like it is absolutely vital to her upbringing.

With all that being said, I have been silently struggling lately. I struggle with filling my time and with not knowing what to do with myself while John's at work. For most of Brooke's life I have tried to stay out of the house as much as possible... Meeting my mom for lunch, going shopping with my sister, running errands, etc.. Those things are harmless, in my eyes, but when they are done in excess they are extremely exhausting for both Brooke and me. I keep telling myself that I need to be home more and I always, always say that I'll work on that, but taking the next step and actually doing that has been really hard for me. I love staying home and reading books, playing with blocks, and pushing baby dolls around in strollers, but can I really do that for 50 hours a week? I'm not sure...

My mom stayed home with my two siblings and me, which makes her a great resource for me in this area. I spilled my heart to her today and she said that I need to take being a stay-at-home-mom one day at a time. I can't look at it like I have 50 hours a week or X number of years at home... I have to look at today and today only. She also said that I just need to build a life for myself at home and be completely happy with it. She suggested that I find a hobby around the house or that I do more baking. Lastly, she told me to keep a couple of days a week as my "out days." For instance, I cook dinner for our church on Wednesday nights so she suggested that I go shopping for that one day and to make an outing to look forward to each week. Her advice really meant a lot to me and I think that I'll start really work on being in the house A LOT more.

Perhaps my frustrations lie in the fact that it's freezing here so there is virtually nothing to do? Something tells me that when I can spend my days at the park, in our pool, or walking the neighborhood that I'll start to feel a lot better about things and that the days will fly. I'm sure hoping that's the case, anyways!

I would also say that many of these feelings are probably related to Adrienne's coming arrival, as well. I am thrilled about her being a part of our family, but I also have to wonder how this already-messed-up routine will do when we welcome her into our lives. I know in my heart of hearts that it will all work out okay and as soon as she's born I won't be able to imagine life without her in it. However, I think that the anticipation and questioning are all normal when life is about to change drastically.

So, if you're reading this and you know me in real life, I ask that you don't allow this to taint your view of me as a mother. I'm kind of in a transitional, emotional phase of my life right now (hence the growing belly!), but it does not take from the joy I have in raising my daughter or being a mother. I just felt like I needed to be opened and honest, without skirting around what was really on my mind!