Everyday before heading into work, my husband puts on a bulletproof vest. He also straps to him an enormous gun belt that holds an asp, a gun, extra bullets, hand-cuffs, and a flashlight. As I look at him in all of his official police officer attire, part of me cringes because I'm afraid of what his job could possibly entail, but mostly, I'm proud.
As soon as John leaves, I pray for his safety and ask that God would protect him from all of the dangerous things that he may encounter. Then, I send him a text message telling him just how much I love him and how I hope that his night goes great. The most important part of our "goodbye ritual" is that we never leave an argument on the table and we always let our last words be words of love and kindness.
Throughout John's evening at work, it seems as though I rarely hear from him. He tries to call as much as he can to check in on us and to tell me that he loves me but mostly, he's busy pursuing criminals, pulling over vehicles, answering complaints, etc. My husband often drives at fast speeds, goes into the homes of absolute strangers, and encounters uncertain situations. There are extended times when I cannot get in touch with him and I wonder if everything really is okay with him but I try to not let my mind wander. It is not healthy for me to think those thoughts.
I try so hard to stand by my husband courageously and act like the dangers of his job don't kill me at times... But they do. I try to act like I'm full of faith in God and like I truly believe that my husband's safety is in His hands... But I don't always. I try to pretend like his job is not dangerous... But it is.
It's hard for me to handle and accept that John's job may require him to give his life for another and it scares me to death to know that to adequately support my husband is to "approve" of that. Really though, I'm in awe of my husband's positive attitude towards his job and it amazes me to watch him.
Sometimes I wonder why God didn't call John to be an accountant or an office manager or a teacher or a computer technician or... Anything else! But, this is what John feels as though he is being called to do with his life and I am slowly learning to let go of him and realize that his safety is not my responsibilities. It's God's! Something tells me that it won't always be easy to trust in this area but I have a lifetime of learning ahead!
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