I confess, I'm sitting behind this computer tonight feeling very discouraged, defeated, and like a complete and total failure. Our day today was pretty much a train wreck from the minute Brooke woke up and it really only went downhill from there. I feel like a sub par mom that I couldn't "fix" Brooke and that I couldn't get us back on track.
It really all started last night when Brooke refused to go to sleep. She was in her bed from 8:30 to midnight wide awake. First she was happy and singing and to me, that's fine. We all need some time to unwind. That escalated to screaming hysterically, kicking walls, and yelling, "I'm not going to bed. I won't take a nap!" Another excuse that she frequently used was, "But I have to go potty." Yeah, I only fell for that about 3 times. Lol! After many, many measures of discipline, she fell asleep around 11:45. When she woke up at 7:45 this morning, I KNEW she would be miserable because 8 hours of sleep is simply not enough for a little girl who usually gets 12+.
We spent our morning at home and Brooke was overall grumpy and non-compliant. At breakfast, she was hysterical because she wanted eggs and pancakes and cereal. I told her that I wasn't going to give her cereal with eggs and pancakes and she didn't appreciate that too much. Things got really dicey, however, when I went to get her dressed for the day. First of all, she refused to come when I called her (which is obviously NOT acceptable) and threw herself on the floor. I then encouraged her to go to the potty because she hadn't been in a while and she again, threw herself on the floor. John came in and made her sit on the potty (after spankings and everything else) and she still outright refused to even try and kept repeatedly thrashing and screaming. We disciplined her over and over and she still claimed that she didn't have to go potty. When John sent her over to say she was sorry to me for her behavior, she came over to me and wouldn't apologize. As I picked her up to deal with her, she said, "I'm going to pee pee on you." We were literally two feet from her potty and two seconds previous to this episode she had sat on the potty, but before I could say another word, she peed all over me and her fresh set of clothes. I wanted to scream/cry/freak out and then some.
After many other instances, we determined that putting her down for nap at 12 (as opposed to 1) would be best for everyone. She fell instantly to sleep like we knew she would. Adrienne slept from 11-2 so John and I really, really enjoyed those couple of peaceful hours together. Believe me. Brooke woke up at 2 and seemed pretty happy and her attitude at that point really was much better.
Then... Bedtime came. Tonight she pulled the same antics as last night. She screamed until 11 and she seemed unaffected by any form of discipline that I inflicted upon her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm truly at my wits end with bedtime. Tonight she was legitimately tired yet she would not give in for anything. When I went in to check on her, she was at the end of her bed folded in half and her pillows were all thrown off the bed. I just stared at her tiny little body in that big bed and cried. Even though I know that her upsetment was caused by her disobedience, I felt so sad that she had to go to bed so sad and angry.
Thankfully most days aren't like this. Brooke is really a great little girl and very rarely do I feel as broken up about motherhood as I do today. I know that I should do myself a favor and put this day behind us, but I'll be honest, I'm so fearful that tomorrow will be the same way and I'm completely and utterly exhausted and frazzled. When Brooke was a baby, I would have never looked into those big blue, innocent eyes and thought that being her mother could really be this difficult. I really thought I was a good mom but today, I'm questioning whether or not that's true:-(
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