Friday, April 2, 2010

Thoughts on the Future

I have always been content without a college degree. I went to college for two semesters but chose to drop out because I hated it that much. In fact, I can remember calling John on my first day of college crying and telling him that I never wanted to go back. I continued to go and struggled horribly for another two semesters until I just decided that it wasn't for me and quit. I honestly don't think there's shame in that and I'm truly happy that I got to get married, have babies, and focus on being a homemaker. How awesome is that??

I'm not a student. It's very hard for me to do well in school for some reason. I can study for hours and get a C when many others I know don't study at all and get an A! I'm not trying to cling to the past but I'll never forget studying and studying and studying for a biology exam in high school, only to get a 75 or so, and my teacher came up to me after class and said, "You're not glorifying God with your work ethic." Yeah, that stung. I did try and I did give it my best... It just wasn't good enough. I think from that point on I played the stupid ditz or the troublemaker or the comedian because it was so much easier to pretend that I didn't care. I also have quite a hard time focusing or sitting still. To this day, even in church, I have to really, really work on paying attention.. Even though my dad's the pastor and is an absolutely phenomenal speaker. It's just how I'm wired.

Despite my contentment without my degree, I have to admit that I look at the degree that others have in my family and it sort of makes me feel a bit inferior if I focus on it. Out of John's brother and his wife, John's sister, my brother and his wife, and my sister and her husband... Everyone, including John, has some sort of college degree- but me. Not a one of them was scared off by the challenge of college and they committed themselves completely their schooling successfully. While I don't want to work outside of the home now, I can't help but wonder what their futures are like as opposed to mine. Take my sister (Love you, Alison!), for example... She's an RN and even though she's taking a break to raise her precious family, when they grow she will have that wonderful career to focus on. As for me, I'll probably serve in the cafeteria at school or wait more and more tables. There's not shame in that but I just want MORE for my future.

Ever since I had Brooke and was blown away by the care that the nurses gave me, I have longed to be a nurse... Secretly, of course, but I don't feel like I'm smart enough to ever complete the necessary schooling. Then when I had Adrienne the longing got deeper and just last week when Brooke was in the hospital, it was even more magnified. I can think of nothing more rewarding (short of being a mommy and a wife, of course) than being a nurse and getting to interact with people and to actually do more for them than serving them food. John and I had a long talk today and over the next several years I'm going to pray about maybe going back to school when the kids are in school. He even suggestd that I meet with a college counselor to discuss me taking a few online classes over the next several years to get any prerequisite classes out of the way. It's a long way off, for sure, and it may never happen but I am truly excited at the prospect. It would be amazing to have an exciting career to look forward to when the kids are grown and it would also be nice to have the ability to contribute financially one day. Again, I just don't know.

I almost deleted this entire post because it probably sounds like such a joke but I decided against. After all, these are my thoughts... They're not right or wrong!


Unknown said...

It's not a joke. Pray on it - let me know if you have any questions as I'm going through it all now.

Alison said...

I'll be here for you in whatever you decide to do! And definitely don't let your academic past scare you away from what can be a bright future if you put your mind to it. I think you'll do great :)

*~tRiStYn MiChElLe~* said...

I think you would be a WONDERFUL nurse!!! and honestly..when you get all the crappy standard courses out of the way and you get into the nursing courses I know you will love it. It will mean learning about something that you WANT to learn about. Not something that others tell you that you need to learn about. Totally different ball game! I'm here for ya too :0) I'll be cheerin you on!

rccalyn said...

I'm glad you shared this - sounds like you would love being a nurse! I would love to be a labor/delivery nurse/doula/midwife if I could go back to school for something (not gonna happen though). It's still ok to have dreams :-)

Michele Wright-Strickland said...

Good for you Jillian! I think you would make a fantastic nurse!!! I know what you mean about schooling as it went much the sameway for me (highschool & college)! God will show you His will for your life :)

Anonymous said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. I also did not go to college. I just never made it there. And honestly... I didn't think I was going to graduate High School because I had such a hard time with Algebra. I HATED math. I think my teacher passed me because I was so annoying he didn't want me back the next year ;) lol

I say if you want to be a nurse, you WILL be!! If the urge is so strong then something will happen to make it so.

And don't ever delete a post for fear of what others will think. You would probably be surprised but there are many many many of us out there in the same boat, wondering if we are the "only one that feels/thinks/acts this way". And it's such a relief when we find others that are struggling with some of the same stuff.

Great post!

Simply Complicated said...

I'm glad you didn't delete this! :-) I think that's great to think about. Funny you should mention it... but we've had a similar conversation here and in a few years when my kid(s) are in school I might do the same thing: school part-time drug out over a lot of years... but a rewarding job at the end once I am "free" to work more again!