*If you're reading this, and you posted anything about me on my Facebook status, this is NOT directed towards you. It just provoked some thoughts, is all!*
There's this thing going around Facebook that you post in your status: "If you read this, even if we don't speak often, post a comment with a memory of you and I. It can be anything you want. When you have finished, post this paragraph on your own status and you will be surprised at what people remember about you." I don't usually participate in those things, but I thought it would be interesting to see what people remember about me so I posted it. Anyways, several people posted things about me back in school and how I didn't get along with certain teachers. Granted, these are funny memories and I WAS a bit of a rebel back then, but really, is that all that people thing of when they hear "Jillian?"
Looking back on high school, I regret choices I made. I really do. I know that I really struggled with respecting authority and following the rules. I was mouthy, tardy, and lazy... And that's if I bothered to show up for class. I just hated high school and everything about. I've given it some thought and I really think that many of my problems were because school was SO HARD for me. I was just not a student and learning was a struggle, unlike the other kids in my small class of 27 or so (I went to private school). So, instead of acting hurt by the 70 I received after hours of studying, I passed it off like I didn't care. If I couldn't be the "smart" kid, it was just easier to be the kid who didn't give a darn about academics. I also felt like my voice wasn't ever heard. I had opinions and good ideas, but because I was, well, a smart alec, they never really mattered. It was altogether a rough 4 years.
High school was high school and granted, I'm still the same old Jillian in many ways, but really, I have grown and matured more than I think people realize. That's just a natural post-high school progression, in my opinion. But, I can't help but wonder if people still think I'm a screw up. When they hear that I got married at 20 and had a baby at 21, they probably think, "Ah, she got married for pregnancy. Such a shame." Even though I took my True Love Waits committment seriously, I still think that people assume that. When they hear that I dropped out of college, do they think, "It figures?" They probably don't realize that I dropped out of school ONLY to fulfill my greatest desire and longing- And that was to be a wife and a mama. Do people realize that I'm living for the Lord, serving actively in my local church, married to an incredible man of God who is my very best friend, or that I'm really content with my non-educated, not-so-smart self?
I guess it boils down to this: When I'm gone, will people remember the good things or was the bad so bad that it overshadows and positive things that I've done? I definitely want to stand for MUCH more than I ever did in high school and I want my life to be a testimony for the Lord and what he can do.
3 comments:
Hey, I said something about a teacher but I want you to realize something. I never thought you were a bad kid, ever. And when I think of you, I don't think of the person you were in high school despite how you may have acted towards some teachers. I think of the woman you have become, and the amazing wife and mother I have come to admire and aspire towards. I realized after I made the comment about the japanese teacher that that was probably the wrong choice. I was trying to think of something funny, and since we didn't talk for a few years, and most of high school is a blur to me now, that was the first thing I thought of. I don't want you to think I'm getting defensive, I just want you to know that I didn't think of you as a bad kid back then. So anyways, I miss you and hope to get to see you soon! I'll be in town in August at some point, and probably more than once since I'll have nothing better to do, lol. And yes I realize you did the disclaimer, but just thought I should explain, lol.
I've regretted all my high school years too, for different reasons. Not that I want to go back and do it over...!
ultimately...what others think about you is not supposed to matter...so they say. I struggle with this too though and I understand where you are coming from.
If I had seen the post about a memory this would be mine:
My memory I have of you is that you are a WONDERFUL chef and a terriffic hostess! We had the best times going to john and jillian's for dinner :0) You ALWAYS made us feel like we were at home and your outgoing personality put akward first meeting moments at bay.
That said...it only truly matters what YOU know of yourself and if you know that you are content where you are then everyone that is around you and is close to you knows that and THAT is what matters most. I always worry about people thinking i got married to young and had babies too young etc. but really it's OUR lives so who cares! :0) I hope you feel better about this...Let's get together soon!
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