Mourning For A Stranger

I am really shaken up by the death of a police officer in one of our local police forces. You hear about cops being killed often, but when it happens in California, Georgia, Florida, etc... it's easy to pass it off and act like it never happened. However, this officer was killed about 20 minutes from where we live and John knows people who were close to him through law enforcement. We've been inundated with stories about him, newscasts in his honor, and articles in the newspaper. It's kind of hard not to think about it a lot.

The officer who was killed was talking to a car along side the road and a drunk driver ran right into him. Of course this scares me to death because how many times during the night... the week... the month... the year... does John pull someone over and stand on the side of the road? That's what he does. That's a crucial part of his job. It just hits me where it hurts because every night that John goes to work I tell him to be careful. Along with "I love you," those are my final words to him as he walks out the door. The man who was killed was "careful." He wasn't doing anything extremely dangerous (or any more dangerous than what he usually does), yet his life was still taken. John can be as careful as he's supposed to be by taking extra steps to do things right, but he can't prevent a crazed lunatic from killing him on the side of the road.

As I looked at the newspaper and read about his widow, I just pictured myself in that position. I never want to be known as John's widow. I stand by his side with great honor and pride and I completely support what he does and who he is to the community, but I do NOT want my husband to be called to give up his life for law enforcement. Maybe I'm just extremely selfish? What scares me the most is that he would take a bullet for his partner and that he puts all risks aside and goes into some extremely dangerous situations. My husband is one heck of a cop and it puts butterflies in my stomach knowing that he wouldn't be half the cop that he is if he wasn't willing to do those things. I know that we need somebody to "protect and serve" but sometimes I ask God why my husband is the one doing it.

I'm pretty heartbroken over this situation. It seems like Satan is really using this to instill worry and doubt in my mind because I've been waking up panicked in the middle of the night that something has happened to John. I'm dwelling on it so frequently that I feel perpetually anxious about my husband's profession. I know that God has told us to "Cast all of our cares on Him, because He cares for us!" but sometimes I feel like my worries are so insurmountable that I can never get past them. That's where faith comes in, I suppose.

I have to take peace in knowing that God's will can't be moved or shaken and that when he chooses to take someone from this Earth that it's all in His perfect plan and timing. That's a fact that I'm leaning on right now. It helps me realize that whether John's a cop, a postman, a business man, a mechanic, etc... God will take him when it's his time to go.