Adrienne is scheduled to be born exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow. When I still had 12 weeks left, 3 weeks would have sounded so close but now that we're down to the wire I feel like I will NEVER have this baby. I'm not physically sick of being pregnant... Just emotionally, I think.
I realize that this has been a reoccurring theme with me lately, but I guess it can't hurt to repeat myself- The uncertainty of how things will work after the baby is born is really keeping me up at night. One of the things that is constantly on my mind is the actual delivery. Knowing that I'll be cut open is enough to drive chills up my spine but also knowing the risk involved with a C-Section (Or any delivery, for that matter) has me scared silly. I don't WANT this C-Section. I want Adrienne, but I think that if I didn't have this fear of the surgery hanging over me then I would be much calmer. With the fear of the C-Section also comes the fear of the recovery. How in the universe am I going to care for two kids and my house and my husband when I have this recovery to deal with? Sure, there are people that want to help us out, but there is only a certain amount other people can do for you. Lastly, I could worry for hours upon end about how Brooke will adjust to her baby sister and how I will make her feel as though she is still everything to John and me. I know that it will all work out but these are scary questions!
I have been trying to keep myself occupied to take my mind off of all of this. I've been engrossing myself in my housework, even more so than usual! I've also been really busy with friends, family, church and working in the yard. I'm fine during the day when I'm out and about but when I'm home alone after John leaves for work, I spend much of my time tossing and turning and worrying. Why in the world am I SUCH a worrier? I hate it. It is truly my besetting sin that I just can't kick.
God has been so faithful to my family and me. I could sit here and list thing after thing of how God has proven Himself to us, yet I don't even seem to believe that He has this all figured out. The Bible talks about how God is aware of when a measly sparrow falls out of his nest and here I am lacking faith. I want so badly to be delivered of these fears but it seems like I can't let go of them completely. Shame on me...