All I Want for Christmas is... A VBAC!!

I've been thinking a lot about giving birth lately... Probably because my sister is four days past her due date and is expected to deliver any day now. That's enough to make any pregnant woman's mind stir. I'm so silly... I have 5 months left of my pregnancy but I'm SO concerned about having the repeat C-Section. I know that I have months to plan and prepare and get used to the idea, but do you know what occurred to me? I'm petrified of being on that operating table again. I know this odd because I have been through it before, but I think that's why I'm so apprehensive. There are times at night when I can't sleep because I think of my fears that I'll have before the surgery and I know these are things I have to do deal with.

I've thought long and hard and this is why I think that my C-Section was so "traumatic" for me...

1. I felt like a total failure as a woman because despite laboring and pushing (non-medicated) I couldn't get the "the job" done naturally. That killed me for a long, long time.

2. Because I was going through a midwife (who obviously couldn't perform the C-Section), I was forced to have some stranger deliver Brooke. I was used to a kind and sensitive midwife and the doctor who took over was a gruff man who I just couldn't relate to.

3. During my surgery I was looking around and happened to look up at the lights above the operating table... I actually SAW THEM CUTTING ME in the reflection of the stainless steel fixture. That was horrible... I'll never look at the lights again.

4. This is what kills me and still brings me to tears to this moment... I only got to see Brooke for a few seconds before they took her into the nursery. I could hear her crying the whole time and I wanted nothing more than to hold her for the first time. Finally they finished my surgery and took me into the recovery room. I looked at the nurse and said, "Okay, please get me my baby!" She said, "Jillian, you have to have a sponge bath first because you're not sanitary for your baby." I said, "I don't care. She's crying. She needs me. Please don't give me a sponge bath." So, after hearing my newborn baby screaming uncontrollably in the other room, I lied helpless and numb on the bed without being able to help her... All for a stupid sponge bath. That was the worst feeling as a new mother.

5. I had this vision of my whole family coming in and welcoming Brooke into the world, but instead they told me that only one person could be in the recovery room with me at a time. Instead of this big celebration that I had so desired, each family member had a rushed 30 second visit with Brooke to make way for the next person.

6. The recovery was miserable. I had a horrible reaction to the spinal, which resulted in an awful rash over my entire body. In addition, the pain medication for after the surgery sedated me to the point of not enjoying Brooke so I refused to take it, which resulted in some unnecessary complications. I realize that that part is my fault...

I know that I have A LOT to be thankful for because I have a thriving, healthy, gorgeous little girl, but those instances of sadness with her birth cause so much anxiety within me. This time will be different for a number of reasons though... First of all, John will take off extra time to help me recover because we'll know what to expect in that area. Also, I will have a relationship with the doctor who performs the C-Section so I think I'll be so much more at ease. Another good thing this time around is that I won't have labored for hours and hours on end so I won't be dirty and sweaty which means... No sponge bath! I can have my baby quicker:-) Lastly, I have gotten over feeling "inadequate" for not being able to do this all naturally, so there will be none of those feelings associated with this C-Section. Those feelings are something that I asked God to take from me.

I suppose that the only thing that remains is my fear of having surgery... It's awful but I'm horrified that I'll die on the operating room table and leave John with two kids. I realize that C-Sections are routinely done and they are so commonly practiced, but there's just always a chance that something could go wrong.

I still have a tremendous desire to have a VBAC. I want it so bad and I would love to be able to avoid all of the hassles of a C-Section, but my doctor does not think that's a very prudent decision. We've discussed all the pros and cons and the bottom line is that my pelvis is small. Instead of trying to argue the facts, I would like to just prepare myself for the inevitable C-Section that I'll be having in May.

I keep reminding myself... The main objective here is to have a healthy baby. How he/she gets her shouldn't matter!