I consider myself to be a very conservative Christian woman and I value the Bible as absolute truth and strive daily to apply its standards and values to my life. With that being said, I just watched the Duggar's (the family with 17 kids) on TV and it was all about their son courting his girlfriend and then asking for her hand in marriage. It evoked so many thoughts that I just had to write them down...
First off, I absolutely, 100 percent, no-questions-asked believe that sex should be saved for marriage. That is not negotiable and I think our society has totally perverted sexuality. However, as strongly as I feel that way, I do NOT think that it is wrong to kiss before marriage. As I watched the Duggar's son and his fiance awkwardly gaze into one another's eyes without kissing, it almost felt uncomfortable watching them not take that step with each other because it was so obvious that they wanted to. I kept thinking to myself, "How the heck do they do that?????" Even when he proposed they didn't even kiss. Crazy, huh?
The part that really baffled me the most was that they had to ask their parents for permission to hold hands. In my eyes, there is nothing inappropriate with a couple in love holding hands. A funny thing that people said in my Christian high school (some jokingly, some not) was, "Holding hands leads to babies." I guess that's true if you practice no self-control, but all I have to say is that I held John's hand for years without having a baby...
I also was amazed at how the son and his fiance had to be CHAPERONED while they went to dinner. I think that when a couple is trying to stay pure and save intimacy for marriage that they shouldn't put themselves in precarious situations in which mistakes are more prone to happen... Such as being alone in the house, laying together in the dark, sleeping in the same bed, etc... However, what the heck is a couple that hasn't even kissed yet going to do in the car, at the movies, or at the restaurant? It's great to be held accountable to someone in the area of purity, but I truly think that not being alone EVER is taking it way too far. How are you supposed to get to know each other more deeply if you always have somebody hovering over your conversations? If John's mom (or mine, for that matter) had gone on all of our dates before we were married, I think that we would have carried a lot of baggage into our marriage. There's a word in the English dictionary called "trust" and if your 20-year-old son cannot be expected to take his fiance to dinner alone without fooling around, then really, how well have you raised him in the first place?
I do have respect for Joshua Duggar for his convictions in this area, though. I truly do not think that I did anything wrong by kissing my husband before I married him, but for this guy, he thinks it's not appropriate. I guess that even though I disagree with his standard I definitely think he has integrity because his talk seems to match his walk. That's a rarity in this day and age. Truthfully, I think it's fantastic that they wanted to save that first kiss for their wedding day, but I just don't think it's wrong to not save it. There are plenty of other special, wonderful things to enjoy on your wedding days, even if you have already been kissed!
When it all boils down, I think was irks me about the Duggar's is that I feel like their legalism and extremism towards courting makes me, the conservative Christian that I am, seem like them. Do you know what I mean? I almost feel like people will associate ME with being like that because we share similar religious values. I get very defensive about legalism because it has burned me before and I have no respect for that type of rule structure.
I was raised in a very Godly home by wonderful parents and I kissed my boyfriend (at the time) and held his hand right in front of them. There was never an argument or a discussion about that but my parents did want to know where we were and what we were doing. I am thankful that my parents didn't try to hold me too tightly (like trying to stop me from kissing John) because I seriously think I would have eloped or something!
Again, I seriously have respect for the Duggar's because they value purity, but the level in which they take it is what has the wheels in my head spinning. Again, if you want to save kissing for marriage, my hat goes off to you... I just know that I could have never done that and I don't think it's fair to expect that people do!
3 comments:
AMEN Jillian!! very well written and so true. i hate it when people assume that because i am a conservative christian, that i have those extremely conservative values when it comes to dating!! (of course, it probably doesnt help that i HAVENT ever kissed anyone - not something i planned...) but the duggars are a great family - and very fun to watch :)
I agree. That episode was awkward to watch. My thoughts about the chaperone - if it is the intention of the couple to stay pure and save themselves for marriage, they should not require a chaperone for a quiet dinner or movie.
In terms of the not kissing and holding hands until after marriage, I think placing the notion out there that this is bad is very one-sided and unfair. I would argue that marriage should never be entered into lightly and to do that, you need to experience a one-on-one connection with the person you are considering pledging your life to. It is impossible to really know somebody without being allowed to have some alone time; to have converstation and experience a connection. That does not have to be sexual and holding hands and kissing can be rather innocent and sweet, not something that needs to be saved for marriage.
I agree 100% with everything you said. I get frustrated when i watch this show because the children are so sheltered (some sheltering is not a bad thing) that they are no idea what the real world is like.
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