Sunday, July 6, 2008

There's Something On My Mind...

My parents requested the company of their granddaughter after church today, which I thought was very nice! Brookie went to the mall, to the park, and out to dinner with her Grammy and Papa and apparently had a very nice time! I was so happy that she could have some quality time with them!! While my girl was off gallivanting I mowed the lawn, went for a long swim, did more laundry, vacuumed, dusted, swept, and mopped (again, I know). I felt SO wonderful when I was done with everything on my list. Most people don't think that "work" sounds like fun on an afternoon off, but to me, working around the house and yard is so relaxing and if I do it when I'm baby-free then I have more time to spend with my girl when she's around (which is 95% of the time).

So, what's really on my mind right now is pertaining to baby #2. I know, I know, I know that God will give us a baby in HIS time and that we need to wait patiently for His perfectly plan, but right now I'm getting kind of antsy. John and I feel so ready and excited to welcome another baby into the world but it's just not happening. I still nurse Brooke once a day and I think that that's what's causing me to have no signs of fertility or a regular cycle, but I'm not going to forfeit something important to Brooke for a life that's not even created yet. Ya know? I can't do that do her. It's just really hard because even though I realize that it takes a while for the female body to get out of whack after being on the pill and breastfeeding, all of these thoughts are running through my head.... Did they screw me up with the C-Section and now I'll never have another baby? (HIGHLY irrational, I realize) Will I have to wait another year? Will I ever be a mommy again? I feel bad for feeling these things because I have a beautiful, healthy baby who has given me than enough joy to last a lifetime and if I never had another baby, I'm still more blessed than I deserve just by having her. Still though, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting another life to love and raise.

It's really hard because I feel like people around me are getting pregnant and I just don't understand why not ME. I'm not envious of other people or anything, but I just get so impatient when someone else I know pops up pregnant or when someone asks me when we want another baby. Hello people, I'm trying as hard as a I absolutely can! We have our names picked out (for the most part) and all of this space in our house so baby #2, PLEASE HURRY!!!!

Anyways, just had to get that off my chest. I know that each month I don't get pregnant is another month that I have alone with my Brookie girl and that's a treasure that I'm leaning on. I am constantly giving this back to God and I know that if I seek Him then He will help me to accept His will. I'm my own worst enemy for dwelling on it and letting it get to me so I know that I need to think the right thoughts and allow God to take over!

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