Life Is Short

Ugh, I have so many deep and troublesome things on my mind tonight. A couple of events have made dwell on the shortness of life and how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

The first issue concerns our dear friends from New Jersey. They were an older couple so they were like grandparents to me when we lived there. The man was a deacon at my dad's church and we spent a lot of time together. Since moving to New York, we have kept in pretty good touch with them. Anyways, they called my parents in hysterics this afternoon because their 40 year old son, who was an electrician, was electrocuted at work today. He left behind a wife and two high school aged kids. It just doesn't seem natural to me. His parents, who are in their 70's now, have to bury their son and I just can't think of anything more awful than that. Thankfully he was a believer in Christ so we can have that reassurance, but still... Why do these things happen?

It's so weird because I always tell myself that if John wasn't a cop I wouldn't worry about him going to work, but really, regardless of what he does, he'll NEVER be safe. If it's God's time to take you, He'll take you. There's nothing you can do. I keep thinking about that man's family and how horrible they must be feeling right now at this very moment. I grieve deeply, especially, for his poor wife. How do you pick up the broken pieces for your family and kids when something like this happens so suddenly? I bet when they were in their 20's, like John and me, they dreamed of growing old together, and they never dreamed that they would be separated at 40. I don't even want to THINK about losing John like that.

Tonight is John's night off but he has to work some overtime from 11 P.M. to 3 A.M. We took a little nap before he went in and I woke up panicked because I had a dream that something had happened to him. This whole situation has really made me want to hold even more tightly to him than I already do (and any of my other loved ones) but I know that ultimately it's not in my hands. I just have to have faith in God, because only He has the PERFECT plan, not me. I really have to remind myself of that or else I would go crazy from all of the "what if's."

Another thing that has my mind going crazy is regarding Brooke. Last night around 3 A.M. I woke up with an eerie feeling. John was snuggling right next to me and I was SO comfortable, but I made myself get up to check on Brooke, regardless. I know that what I'm about to say sounds neurotic, but I'm telling you, she was not breathing. I know that sometimes during sleep our bodies are so rested that we shut almost completely down, and maybe that's what this was all about, but to this very moment, I know that her chest was not moving up and down. I walked in and looked for that (which is what I always do) and I didn't see it so I put my hand on her and she still didn't move. At that point I was FREAKING out and shaking. Then I shook her and still got no response. Finally she coughed and she rolled over and went back to sleep. I have no clue what exactly happened or if I'm imagining all of this, but I promise, this is what happened as clearly as I can remember. This whole incident kept me awake for much of the night last night and it's turned me into a wreck today.

I keep telling myself that Brooke is really God's child and that I need to trust in Him to watch over her and take care of her. I am convinced that that is the only way that I'll be able to endure the uncertainties and fears of motherhood.

So, yeah, I'm feeling really overwhelmed by these feelings of fear right now. I know that I need to pray about these situations instead of worrying about them but it's just so hard. I am so thankful that I serve and wonderful, merciful, and compassionate Savior who's got it all under control because I just don't.