Bittersweet

Two weeks from tomorrow my precious baby will be one. Can you believe that? A whole year has gone by and sadly, I don't even remember half of it. Sure I remember the good times, the monumental achievements that Brooke has made, and the rough times... But the memories of the day to day activities and little sentiments of having a tiny baby are stored somewhere far in the back of my brain right now. The other night I started to remember that time in Brooke's life and I literally wept for good an hour.

For some reason I can't shake this sad feeling when I think of Brooke's first birthday. Yes, I'm elated because life has been wonderful and I have a beautiful, crazy, smiling, hilarious princess to enjoy, but part of me just wants to hold onto her a little tighter and stop her from growing any more! It's hard to believe that she's just not that tiny, still, quiet baby any more. She's evolved into this independent little person and she doesn't need me quite as much as she used to.

I keep playing the game of what I was doing this time last year... I was 38 weeks pregnant and about to come unglued because I just wanted to meet Brooke. It's funny because last night I was putting body butter on my hands, which is the same stuff I used to put on my pregnant belly. That smell of that lotion alone reminded me so much of being pregnant and how different my life was at that point. Looking back on it, I was so naive at that point. I knew Brooke would change my life forever, but I guess I didn't realize how she would captivate my heart so, so much like she has.

Sometimes I wish that I could relive the day of Brooke's birth. The C-Section ruined my picture of the "perfect birth," but the events of her birth seem so magical and I will always look on that day with the fondest of memories. I'll never forget how they whisked Brooke away from me while I was still in the operating room getting stitched up from that stupid C-Section. It took about 20 minutes for the doctors to stitch me back together and then the nurse insisted on giving me a sponge bath. I still hadn't held my baby and I could hear her screaming in the other room. All I wanted to do was hold her! I said to the nurse, "PLEASE, my baby needs me. I don't want a sponge bath. PLEASE!" She adamantly insisted that I had to have one. So, after much arguing and resistance to the dumb sponge bath, I finally got to hold my baby for the first time. I instantly fell in love with Brooke. We had tons of people, between family and the nurses, trying to tell me how to nurse her, but once I got Brooke latched on, she and I were in our own little world. Nothing else mattered in the universe. I can't even describe that feeling.

I'm proud of how much I've learned over the last year. At first I was timid and I doubted myself when making decisions about Brooke's care, but now I'm learning to trust my motherly-instinct. I'm not saying that I still don't ask lots of questions and that I'm not neurotic (because I so am! Lol), but I just feel so much more at ease about being a mother. I'm thankful for Brooke's patience as she taught me the ropes on being a mama!

I've said this before, but I'm so humbled and amazed that God allowed ME, of all people, to Brooke's mom. Being her mother is one of life's richest blessings and I feel like the luckiest women in the whole world. Life is so good:-)

So, with that being said, I really should focus on Brooke's bright, exciting life ahead of her instead of holding on to her newborn days, which are forever gone. I'm so excited to raise Brooke and be there for her every step of the way. Being a mom is the best thing ever!