Inadequate

Dear Brooke,

The last couple of days with you have been rough ones. You have been very grumpy and miserable and it has been really hard for mommy to decipher what you have been trying to tell her. You are not sleeping or eating well either and it bothers me because I just want the very best for you!

Mommy was kind of frustrated yesterday because you were screaming non-stop. In all my efforts to settle you down, I took you upstairs to your nursery, turned on your music and rocked you for what seemed like hours. I wrapped you up in the blanket that you've been using since you were born, hoping that the familiarity of it would comfort you. I sat there in your room quietly praying over you, dreaming of your future, and tousling your curly head of hair. As I looked down at you, you were sound asleep, nestled up against my chest. I realized that something was different: You feel asleep effortlessly without nursing. You didn't search for my breast or even act bothered that it was offered to you.... You just wanted to be close to me, to feel my arms around you, to know that you were loved.

At that point, baby, my heart melted. The thought of you needing me and loving me THAT much overwhelmed me. Some days, well most days, I just feel so inadequate when it comes to being your mommy. Yes, I try so hard to make a good life for you and to love you unconditionally. I try to be patient and understanding. I ask God daily to make me the best mother I can possibly be to you because I love you more than you can imagine. However, during these last couple of days that have been filled with your unrelenting fussing, I'll admit that I've been frazzled and pretty exhausted. I know that I'm human and that I will fail you many times throughout your life, but I just wish so badly that I could be perfect for you. That is, after all, what you deserve.

It's amazing because no matter how grumpy you are, just seeing one little smile on your face or hearing your sweet little giggle is all it takes to make me get through my day. It's a joy and an honor to have as my daughter and a few rough patches here and there will never, ever change my affections towards you!

I don't think I could ever say this enough, Brookie... I love you!

Mommy