Many More Thoughts On VBAC's

Happy 14 Month Birthday to my Brookie! I can't believe that she grew so fast! Wow...

Thank you to the ladies who have helped me out with getting my facts straight on VBAC's. You have been a great resource and your stories have encouraged me! I don't profess to have all of this answers on this.. I just want to make a well informed, prudent decision that is best for my body and for my family.

A couple of thoughts that I just want to get out off of my chest...

~I sat down and decided the exact things about a C-Section that bother me:

1. Not being able to have my baby placed on my chest immediately after birth. After Brooke was born it was like a half an hour before I ever got to hold her. I could hear her screaming in the other room and I felt helpless. All she wanted was ME and I couldn't be there for her. Yes, I'm crying as I write that. That hurts me so bad, even after 14 months. Talk about major guilt...

2. I LOVED being in labor. That may sound silly for some people but I thought it was invigorating, empowering, beautiful, and like it was this really cool challenge that I wanted to succeed at. I did it totally med-free (the laboring process and 2.5 hours of pushing) and I am SO proud of that. The thought of never, ever getting to experience labor again makes me sad. A C-Section seems so "medical" and unnatural to me compared to delivering vaginally.

3. The recovery was horrible. I refused pain medications after the surgery because they made me too groggy to enjoy Brooke. That probably wasn't a good idea because it caused further problems. However, I attribute most of my rocky recovery to the fact that I was literally depressed over that stupid C-Section. I think that healing is very much emotional, as it is physical and I was so angry at myself that I had "failed" that I let that drag me down. However, regardless of my attitude next time around, it will still be hard to recover from my stomach being ripped open again. At that point I'll have 2 babies to care for, not just one. How the heck do I even manage that?

4. The extended stay in the hospital is horrible. My friend just had a natural delivery and was home the very next day. Wouldn't that be something?

So, as you can see, there are a lot of valid things about the actual procedure itself that I just flat out don't like. There are many emotions and feelings that cause me to not want a C-Section as well, but I think I've already made that abundantly clear.

~If I do decided to go for a repeat C-Section I'll feel like a failure. I have wanted a VBAC for so long that I feel by just surrendering the medical advice and having a repeat section then I'll be giving up on something I want so bad.

~John really wants me to have C-Sections from here on out because we've discussed the risks and he feels strongly about me avoiding them. I have to respect him because he's my husband. He said that if I sought out a doctor who would discuss it with us we could look into it further. So, there's still hope!

~I would like to know more about all of this before baby #2 is conceived because to me it's a HUGE deal. Right now I just feel so confused and frustrated because I'm overwhelmed by statistics and differing medical opinions.

~If I do end up opting for the C-Section, at least this time around I'll know what to expect and I can plan much better for it.

All in all, it boils down to the fact that the opportunity to carry and baby for 9 months and then have the incredible responsibility of being a mother is just amazing. Regardless of how my next baby makes his or her entrance into the world I will love it the same. Even though I want a VBAC so, so, so bad I have to keep in perspective that I'm lucky to have a healthy, fertile body, unlike some other women who can't seem to get pregnant or can't carry a baby to term. I'm sure those women wouldn't care if their baby came out of their NOSE, as long as they could experience the joy of motherhood.

I'm going to really work on trying to stop worrying about all of this. God is in control... Not me, not the doctors, not the midwife. I'm going to pray that when the time comes I will make the best decision for my family. I feel like such a basket-case over this whole issue and who really likes to feel like that? I just need to come to peace with whatever we ultimately decide to do!